Texting, FaceTime, social media, emails, dating apps and more. It’s the pings from these notifications that remind us that technology plays a huge role in how people communicate today. But how are these communication styles impacting romantic relationships? That’s the question Catalina Toma answers in her research.
She’s a communication arts professor, and her research looks at how people understand and relate to one another when interacting through communication technologies. Through looking at online dating, social media and mobile computing, she’s revealed something important: The way people use technology impacts all three phases of romantic relationships. These phases — initiation, maintenance and termination — each face challenges and advantages from the involvement of technology.
“I protest against the question people often ask, which is whether technology is good or bad for relationships, because it’s neither good nor bad,” Toma says. “But in the 21st century, technology has its tentacles in so many aspects of our romantic relationships, and it’s very impactful. Depending on how it’s used, it can have really positive or negative consequences.”
Initiation
When Toma first started researching online dating in the mid-2000s, the concept was still quite novel. At the time, these sites had a bad reputation.
“People thought they were a crutch for the desperate, much in the same way newspaper personals were regarded,” Toma says. “These were technologies or media for people who struggle to get face-to-face dates, so they had to resort to online dating.”
But times have changed. Toma cites a study from 2019 that revealed online dating is now the most popular way to meet a romantic partner in America. That year and ever since, online dating pushed ahead of meeting through friends, which was most popular for decades.
What’s more, online dating is no more or less successful than meeting in more “traditional” ways when it comes to relationship outcomes, according to Toma’s research.
“Relationships that start through online dating are equally satisfying, equally good, equally likely to end in divorce than relationships that started another way,” she says. “So, the stigma has melted away.”
Similarly, Toma’s research has changed. When she first started looking at online dating, her research was more interested in self-presentation, and how people crafted their profiles. She wanted to know if people lied on their profiles (they did) and to what extent (not as much as you might think). The study was novel at the time, and uncovered that people tended to stretch the truth when it came to more variable qualities like weight or height but remained accurate for verifiable values like age.
Today in the face of apps, algorithms and artificial intelligence that will go on a trial date for you, she’s turned her attention to follow how the availability of these tools is impacting people and their ability to meet romantic partners.
“Think of technology as a resource or as a tool in your repertoire for managing whatever goals you have,” Toma says. “For example, some of the research in our lab has shown that people who are shy or more introverted or a little anxious really like having access to these technological tools. It gives them some comfort knowing that they can be more controlled and strategic.”
Next up, her lab is looking at how the feedback people get from dating app algorithms shapes the way they perceive themselves. This study is still early on but hopes to address confidence and self-perception.
Maintenance
The initiation stage is when couples get formed, people come together, they date, they experiment and decide they want to pursue something. But after the honeymoon comes the maintenance phase, which is when couples learn to live life together, navigate conflict and engage in everyday activities.
It’s also the phase Toma has been researching the most in recent years. She sees the maintenance phase as one of the spaces where technology can be the most meaningful. She looks at texting your partner throughout the day, calling them regularly, sending videos and more daily interactions as part of the crux of a relationship.
“These little texts that people may think are meaningless or superfluous — like sending memes, jokes, funny stories, etc. — they’re actually quite important psychologically speaking,” Toma says. “That’s what makes people connected, that’s what makes them feel that they’re getting attention from their partner.”
One study found that couples who engage in these regular communications are more likely to idealize their partner and more satisfied in their relationship. Another study found that the availability of these communication technologies has bolstered long-distance relationships, which have grown in popularity in the last decade.
Social media is another major area of intrigue. A big question in many relationships is whether to go Instagram or Facebook official or post about the relationship online. While that might seem like a superficial decision, it’s actually quite significant. One of Toma’s studies found that not only are people who go official on social media generally more satisfied in their relationship, they were significantly less likely to break up within the next six months.
Termination
“At the end of the day, all romantic relationships will end,” Toma says. “Either the couple breaks up or gets divorced, or one of them dies.”
She says this not to be pessimistic or harsh, but to be realistic about the lifespan of a relationship. While this has never been the main focus of Toma’s research, she points to findings from other labs that look at what causes a relationship’s demise. Social media plays a big role, in more ways than one.
Some studies look at technological interference, or technoference. This is when couples are spending time together, but instead of paying attention to each other, they tend to their technology. Other researchers look at the jealousy that can stem from a partner’s social media presence.
“One interesting study looks at how frequently social media is mentioned in divorce proceedings,” Toma says. “And it’s quite frequent.”
There’s also the question of what happens to your social media presence after a relationship ends. Some people choose to make an announcement, others delete any reference to their previous partner and others leave everything as is.
“I think it’s really interesting to study all of the nuances of when and for who and under what circumstances technology is good or bad,” Toma says.